One of the Times My Mother Tried to Kill Me


One day my mother decided to test my fortitude as a vehicular passenger. Granted, she didn’t just randomly decide this… the decision was made for her by a murderous assassin lurking nearby.

spider 1

This assassin was known to others as a common spider, but that afternoon the so called ‘common spider’ was intent upon plotting and achieving Mom’s demise and by proxy mine too!

spider 2

As she drove closer to the parking lot near our apartment a small ‘plink’ sounded… like when a rock hits a windshield. The spider had made its move and began phase one of its assault. Mom was completely unaware that the only thing that stood between she and death was the thin windshield.

spider 3


Suddenly, Mom caught movement out of the corner of her eye and let out a death shriek. The spider, sensing that it lost the element of surprise, roared at her, and began clawing at the glass. She knew he was determined to enter the car and drain her of her life’s blood… I was contemplating if I had enough time to bail before Mom performed some dramatic maneuver to dislodge the assassin.

spider 4


I hesitated too long and was now forced to ride along as she employed her remedy for evading the spider; the completely logical decision to go Mach III through the parking lot of our apartment complex. The spider had obviously been training for this moment his whole life. He was not about to be deterred from his nefarious plot and subsequent meal. He sunk his spider-talons into the glass of the windshield and held on despite Mom’s best evasive maneuvers and banshee screams.

spider 5


In the distance, Mom spotted a Gardener… her salvation. She came to a screeching halt in front of him and left a trail of smoking tire tracks in her wake. Eyes wide with fear, she gestured wildly and managed to point out the ill-intentioned beast. The Gardener, who looked surprised and having nearly been run over, was unfazed by the spider. The spider knew he was in trouble, he had read about these Gardeners in his ‘how to be an assassin’ training guide.

spider 6


Sensing that he was now in grave danger, the spider decided to forgo his meal and attempted to flee. The Gardener, eager to be freed from the terrified woman who nearly turned him into road kill, reached over with a bare hand and smash the creature responsible for Mom’s turmoil. He then returned to trimming the tree as if nothing happened (I’m pretty sure he stepped further up onto the curb though).

spider 7


Just like that we were safe; Mom from the killer spider, and me from Mom’s attempt to detach it from the car.


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